The VP Debate

Host:  Hello, and welcome to our coverage of tonight’s Vice Presidential Debate between Democrat Joe Biden and Republican challenger Paul Ryan.  Before we go to our panel and get their impressions of who won and who lost, let’s first go to democratic operative Lefty Lewis from the spin room. What did you think, Mr. Lewis?

Lefty:  Joe Biden hit it out of the park tonight!  He never yielded any ground, totally dominated the conversation, constantly kept Ryan on the defensive and effectively poked holes in every one of Ryan’s hollow arguments, exactly what Obama should have done last week.  I’d say we couldn’t have asked for more from Smokin’ Joe.

Host:  Ok, let’s turn now to Republican Congressman Randy Rand.

Randy:  Great night for Paul Ryan tonight.  What a performance!  He held his own and never lost his cool while Biden looked like a buffoon laughing and wincing the night away.  It was like Al Gore all over again.  Poor Joe.

Host:  Now let’s hear from political commentator George Town.

Town:  I think Randy has a point here on Ryan’s performance tonight.  Let’s watch one exchange and I’ll show you what I mean.  Now, you see here where Joe is shaking his head in derision at Ryan’s comment..

Host:  Isn’t Ryan being woefully misleading there?

Town:  That’s beside the point.  This is just not how to behave during a debate.  Now look at Paul Ryan while Biden speaks.  Do you see how he has that half-grin that combines a look of pity with a hint of mild retardation?                    

Host:  Sure.

Town:  That’s what people want to see.  Our research, which is largely based on gut feelings culled from pre-conceived notions, suggests that likely voters respond positively to the mentally challenged.  Women want to draw them to their bosom and men are confident they can take them in a fight.  It’s win-win.  It’s what Romney did so effectively against President Obama last week.

Host:  Well, let’s get the perspective of, wait, (holding earpiece), do I have this right?  Ari Dite, Professor Emeritus at MIT, world renowned expert on Political Science?  This is a bit unusual for a political news show but let’s see what he has to say.

Dite:  Thanks, yeah, actually I’m growing a little concerned with all this emphasis on performance and style.  A debate is one of the only forums we have where two people can set their ideas side by side and use logic and argument to persuade voters of the validity of their positions.

Town:  Oh please.

Host:  Let’s hear from the fact-checkers. 

Fact-Checker:  The statement where Ryan insisted that his tax cut math works turned out to be false.  But on the other hand, so was Biden’s statement that no one asked the White House for more security in Libya.  So we call it about even.

Dite:  Wait, shouldn’t we be concerned about how many times each candidate said something misleading and how significant it was vs. finding one example from each and calling it a draw? 

Fact-Checker:  No.

Dite:  For instance, Ryan repeated the same falsehood that Romney did last week, implying Obama was taking money from Medicare to pay for Obamacare.  Whereas Biden’s claim that no one asked them for additional security may be technically true as the request was denied at the State Department, not the White House and..

Town:  We all know what a gaffe machine Biden is.

Dite:  How do we know that?

Town:  Because we remind people constantly of things Biden says that nobody involved cares about but can appear inappropriate seen from the correct, non-biased media perspective.

Dite:  But…

Town:  What is this ivory tower egghead doing here in the first place?  Nobody wants be lectured to by some professor…

Dite:  Might that be part of the problem?

Host:  Let’s go to an undecided voter, Lois Info.  Lois?

Info:  It’s hard to listen to Biden, because I heard Obama’s a communist.

Host:  What do you mean by communist?

Info:  You know what I mean.

Host:  No, I don’t

Info:  He’s a communist.

Host:   In your own words, what is a communist?

Info:  We all know what it is.

Host:  Ok, go ahead.

Info:  That’s all I have to say.

Host:  Do you actually know what a communist is?

Info:  Of course, everyone knows.

Host:  …

Info:  That’s it.

Host:  Ok, looks like the pundits and the public agree that the debate was a draw…

Dite:  How can we call it a debate if we aren’t going to test the strength and validity of their arguments?

Host:  Cut his mic please.  This isn’t a classroom Mr. Dite, it’s a hard hitting news broadcast in the tradition of Edward R Murrow.  Coming up next, our hit series Rape in Cell Block H.