LIVE BLOG: The Brit Awards 2011
Summary: So, what have we learnt? We found out that you shouldn't accept betting tips from me, that the No Ripcord server can withstand some pretty frequent updates without falling over, and that Connor Wickham may just be the future of English football. That aside, it was a fairly uninteresting evening, with no controversy, shocks or risk-taking. Nobody ruled the evening, though Arcade Fire and Tinie Tempah both went home with two awards. Performances from Tinie and Adele were particularly noteworthy, and Mumford & Sons misjudged the mood of the ceremony completely. It doesn't tell us anything about the state of the industry, it doesn't point to any particular trend or movement, but it's a laugh, isn't it? I've had a blast, and thanks for everyone who read, commented or tweeted. Same time next year?
2201: It's over!
2200: It's near the end of the night, so I'm going to trot out a well-worn hack cliché, but Paloma Faith is the Lidl Lady Gaga.
2159: Paloma Faith attempt to harmonise sounds like a litter of kittens in a washing machine.
2158: WHO ON EARTH LET PALOMA FAITH ON THE STAGE?
2156: I like Cee Lo as much as the next man, but someone needs to give him a Strepsil or two. Thankfully, he's put some proper clobber on now, and looks like an usher at the most bad-ass wedding ever.
Caitlin Moran on Twitter: Mumford. Oh, it's like David Cameron winning the election ALL OVER AGAIN.
2155: Mumford & Sons clearly going hunting after the awards, according to their attire.
2154: Mumford & Sons win album of the year. That's it, I retire, I'm quitting the writing business. You'll have to go on without me, I can't take this any more. There is no future.
Diana In Heaven on Twitter: Plan B. It's only a matter of time before he runs himself over after eating too many baked potatoes isn't it?
2147: Plan B: "There's going to be a lot more people open to hip-hop after what I've done." Nothing like keeping a sense of perspective, eh? I mean, I'd never even HEARD of hip-hop until this inarticulate herbert showed up.
The Quietus on Twitter: *raises head from behind parapet* Cripes its still going on *gets back behind parapet, hunts for trench mortar*
2144: Take That win best British Group. I'm clearly on a roll with my predictions (see 1956). Mark Owen "thanks" Robbie Williams for coming back. I'd imagine that when the offer came in, Robbie bit his hand off so hurriedly Mark now has to drive a specially-adapted car.
2140: Tinie dressed like a misbehaving public schoolboy. He also has over a dozen lookalikes and a string quartet. This is the most interesting and electric performance of the night by quite some distance.
2139: I don't want to distract everyone, but Wayne Coyne is currently posting topless pictures of his wife on Twitter...
2138: TINIE TEMPAH MEGAMIX ALERT
2137: Tinie Tempah's pianist has presumably forgotten his PE kit, and thus has to play in his vest.
2136: Having seen Tinie Tempah on TV a few times, I can confirm his drummer ALWAYS wears a backpack.
2135: SIX NIL. CONNOR WICKHAM HAT-TRICK (It's still only me that cares, isn't it?).
2134: Rihanna wins Best International Female but, even more amazingly, I GOT A PREDICTION RIGHT! Oh, now, she's 100% dressed like a herbaceous border.
2133: At the risk of getting sued for libel, I'd like "Nation's Sweetheart Cheryl Cole" to henceforth be known as "Celebrity Racist Cheryl Cole".
Jude Rogers on Twitter: It's pop plumber Plan B! We're all most disconcerted that he seems to have 20 jurors - grossly unfair, your Majesty.
Joe Muggs on Twitter: Has Annie Lennox been on yet? Or is it all "indie" nowadays?
BBC 6Music News on Twitter: Justin Bieber is best international breakthrough act at the #Brits I wonder if he'd heard of Britain before tonight
Christian Ward on Twitter: Love that Mark Ronson speaks like the big old baby guy from Mork & Mindy
2125: Mark Ronson looks like a startled badger.
Tracey Thorn on Twitter re. Arcade Fire: Good couple of minutes there while me and buzzin_fly struggled for lead singer's name and I came up with Rhett Butler.
2123: Arcade Fire now performing. Chug-chug-chug-chug-zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (yes, I much prefer Funeral, now you mention it).
Diana in Heaven on Twitter: Michael Jackson is stomping around, muttering 'I was *this* fucking close to smashing it...'
2121: Corden just said Arcade Fire have done The Grammys and The Brits in 24 hours. Wasn't The Grammys on Sunday?
2120: Holy cow! Laura Marling wins Best British female - that's marvellous news! "My name's Laura and... there you go, Mum", followed by, "this is really weird" *exits stage left*
Joe Iliff on Twitter: In my head The National roundhouse kicked Bieber in the face on the way to the podium - but they didn't win though.
2117: Justin Bieber hugs everyone... except Will Young... as he clearly doesn't know who he is.
2116: Justin Bieber wins best International Breakthrough. How long do you reckon it'll be before he finds drugs. According to the voiceover, he's a "self-taught musician". Presumably in the way I'm a "self-taught Nobel Prize Winner".
2114: Corden just looked embarrassed at his own link there... and rightly so.
2113: For those of you who are interested (i.e. just me and one person in the comments section), Ipswich are now winning FIVE NIL!
2110: Here's an update. Everyone who I said would win... hasn't won.
Steven Cockroft on Twitter: I just can't get past Mr B's 'I'll-be-breaking-into-this-song-as-I-can't-find-the-key' guest spot on Elton's Electric Proms gig
Ian Wade on Twitter: Arcade Fire have been nominated twice before, but The Killers and Kings Of Leon were in the building those two times so won.
2107: For no apparent reason, a man just ran onto the stage who was ON FIRE.
2106: If you want to go onto our Twitter feed, Joe Iliff is currently on there disagreeing with pretty much everything I say
2105: PLAN B MEGAMIX ALERT
2104: Plan B's album is about someone being wrongly convicted, and he's performing this song IN A COURTHOUSE. This guy's clever - make no mistake. Oh, hang on, it seems to have turned into some kind of full-scale Parkour riot.
2103: Plan B performing live. He started with some interesting stuff circa his debut and then, just as my hopes were raised, he segued into that bloody awful Motown pastiche. Anyone who thinks this is good, please listen to Stevie Wonder... or Marvin Gaye... or the Muppets.
2101: Christ! It's Napoleon Dynamite!
2100: Arcade Fire win International Group. Strange how some bands become much more successful the less interesting and idiosyncratic they are.
2058: Tinie Tempah just said he "couldn't accept the award without Labrinth." Then, well, Labrinth didn't show up.
2055: Having just recommended Tinie Tempah's "Pass Out", it's just won UK single of the year. I'm still on 0% though... Incidentally, Pass Out features the two best lines from 2010: "I've been to Southampton but I've never been to Scunthorpe" and "I've got so many clothes I keep some at my Aunt's house".
2054: Popjustice on Twitter re. Mumford & Sons: "This lot need to put a donk on it"
2053: So, we're halfway through and... well, not much has happened really. Lots of grateful winners and no major surprises.
2050: Ha! We've been spammed by Bieber fans on Twitter: "guyss. american eagle gift cards from justin bieber! retweet!" (I haven't included the link for a good reason).
2049: Cee Lo wins best International male. Still keeping up my amazing non-success rate. He's also wearing jogging bottoms - make an effort, son, you're out and about.
2048: Oh, look it's professional fast car driving man and Pussycat Doll-botherer, Lewis Hamilton.
2047: They didn't go "WOAH-OHHHHHHH". I feel cheated. In fact, that was just... dull.
2046: BANJO ALERT
2044: Mumford & Sons now on. I wonder if they'll do that one that starts off with slow strumming, introduces some banjo and then goes, "WOAH-OHHHHHHHHH" lots.
2043: For any non-UK readers unfamiliar with Tinie Tempah, he really is worth checking out. Debut single Pass Out is especially good.
2041: Jessie J "didn't plan anything to say". This is despite knowing for weeks that she was going to win. Bit lazy, don't 'cha think? *ARTIST SAYING THE WORD "JOURNEY" KLAXON*
2040: Jessie J was made from the bits left over when they'd finished creating Lily Allen and Kate Nash. If she's the future of music, I'm sticking needles in my ears.
2039: Corden: This award tells us who's going to be big this time next year. Well, no, because the "self-fulfilling prophesy award" as I like to call it, has been won by Jessie J, who's already number 1 in the UK Singles Chart.
2037: This ad break has featured commercials featuring both Rihanna and Justin Bieber. Nice work, everyone. *sigh*
2035: This will only be of interest to UK readers, but Jamie Redknapp was just on an advert for Wii instructing people to "smash it". I don't know - it's one rule for Richard Keys and another for the rest of us...
2034: Clearly, the real news of the evening is the fact that Ipswich Town are 3-0 up against Doncaster Rovers at half-time. Anyone? No? Just me then.
2033: Well, that was fun. Costume changes, dancing, fire... no actual singing though.
Joe Iliff is also commentating on the Brits, over at the No Ripcord Twitter page.
2031: When I wasn't looking, it seems Rihanna took most of her clothes off. It would appear she's come out in her underwear. How embarrassing; she'll catch her death.
2030: *RIHANNA MEGAMIX ALERT*
2029: Rihanna performing. Her outfit is straddling the fine line where "herbaceous border" and "two-dollar whore" meet.
2027: Arcade Fire win best International album (I'm still on 0%). They just told people to "check them out on Google". I think you should check them out on this site.
2025: For some reason, Boris Becker is presenting an award...
It looks like Craig Stevens has a worse claim to fame than me (see comments).
2024: Tinie Tempah wins best UK breakthrough. Pleased to see my prediction record still at 0%. Tinie seemingly dressed like a cricketer out on the town.
2022: Oh, God. Fearne Cotton is presenting an award. Cue horrendous over-use of the word, "amazing".
2021: Corden now interviewing Justin Bieber. As my friend Rob says, "Whoever created Justin Bieber in that lab should be shot." Good old Bieber, the boy who doesn't know the word, "German".
2020: Mumford & Sons album now being mentioned. M&S have recently been brilliantly described by music writer David Quantick as "David Cameron's version of The Levellers" with Marcus Mumford as "the Michael McIntyre of folk". In their VT, they've just said they're "writing about real things" *ROCK CLICHE KLAXON*
2017: I'm going to go out on a limb and say you won't hear anyone sing that well for the rest of the evening.
2016: Lest we forget, Adele, currently singing at The Brit Awards is also a graduate of The Brit School.
2014: Adele now delivering a sterling performance; she's certainly got a set of pipes on her. I once saw her outside Television Centre smoking a cigarette - that's my claim to fame. Can you come up with anything more pathetic?
2012: Comedian James Corden is presenting it, but is playing it remarkably straight.
2008: Plan B wins Best British Male. Currently on a 0% success rate with my predictions. Shot of Paloma Faith in the crowd, who appears to be wearing the world's largest bow in her hair. Plan B, on the other hand, has just given the least charismatic acceptance speech ever. He was about ten times better when he was an angry gangsta rapper, wasn't he?
Tracey Thorn on Twitter: For those of you asking sweetly "Am I nominated?" Yes I am Best Newcomer. Sadly I can't be there as I haven't got a stitch to wear.
2003: Mark Owen almost got lost in the crowd. They've now got a Union Jack, meaning it's more National Front than Third Reich.
2001: We've STARTED! Take That are performing. There's lots of uniform and riot police. It all looks a bit Third Reich, truth be told.
1958: Well, everybody's seated in their comfy seats and we're ready to begin. Or, at least, I assume they are. I haven't got a clue because, yet again, I've cruelly not been sent a free ticket...
1956: Pure conjecture, but here are my guesses for the award winners:
1947: So, I'm currently lounging in the VIP area with smoked salmon canapes, quaffing copious amounts of Moet, ready to... who am I kidding? I'm sat here in my living room ready to LIVE BLOG The Brit Awards 2011. Sunday saw the Grammys, and this is the British version (but with far fewer actual awards). In the past we've seen the deputy Prime Minister get drenched with a bucket of cold water and Michael Jackson have his performance interrupted by Jarvis Cocker. What will happen tonight? You'll find everything here tonight as it happens. This is an interactive experience, so GET INVOLVED! Either use the comment section at the bottom of the page of contact us via Twitter.
15 February, 2011 - 19:50 — Joe Rivers