LIVE BLOG: The Brit Awards 2012
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Conclusion: A bit of a non-event, sadly. Adele and Ed Sheeran were the major winners and, surprisingly, Jessie J went home empty-handed. Adele, Rihanna and Bruno Mars gave good performances; the rest were terrible (Florence + The Machine), average (most of the others) or ruined many happy memories (Blur). British music's in fine fettle sales-wise, but it'd be nice to have a few wildcards to inject a bit of unpredictability and character into the mix (and not the irritating, look-at-me antics of Jessie J). It seems Adele's saving the biz all by herself so, in her inevitable absence over the next twelve months, it'll be interesting to see how the British music industry copes.
2202: And we're done!
2201: WHY IS EVERYONE SHOUTING? I blame Florence Welch.
2200: Phil Daniels comes on for Parklife. If you close your eyes, it's actually like the mid-90s all over again. I'm expecting one of the Gallagher brothers to come onstage and do something "controversial".
2158: Blur ripping through Song 2. Damon is genuinely awful vocally, really, it's painful to listen to. I'm wincing with every "Whoo-hoo".
2157: This is what happens if you cut off Adele on live TV.
2156: Probably the least professional performance of the night. Not quite as bad the Cee Lo Green/Paloma Faith car-wreck from last year, but not far off.
2155: Girls & Boys was released 18 years ago. I feel very old. Damon's attempt at call and response is failing miserably.
2153: That really was sloppy. Anyway, Blur now doing Girls & Boys. THIS HAD BETTER TURN INTO A MEGAMIX, YOU CURD-BOTHERING PILLOCK.
2152: It's probably the least "edgy music journalist" thing to say ever, but doesn't Adele seem lovely? Wait, Corden's cut her off mid speech to go to Blur! That's Damon's fault for his enormo-speech earlier, that is.
2151: So, the final award, Best British Album, goes to... Adele! Have you heard of her? She's doing ok. Kylie's tipped her for big things.
2150: Hooray! George Michael's looking pretty well :-D
2149: Jessie J just said, "without my fans, I wouldn't make music"... Are you thinking the same thing as me?
2147: One more award to go. I make it 5/9 which I've got right, so worst case scenario is that I end up with a 50/50 record (I knew that degree in maths would come in handy one day).
2144: Is Corden's insistence that the main award is the Best British Album one purely to make us think the ceremony's all really about the music. Because The Brits isn't really about the music at all, and that's why it's great.
2142: Blur have left the stage; Alex said nothing *relaxes*
2139: If Alex James likens winning the award to cheese in any way, I'm going to smash my TV with my own face.
2138: LISA I'ANSON ALERT! (again, one for the kids there)
2137: Ray "Facking" Winstone is presenting Outstanding Contribution to Music to Blur. Now, advance warning to you all, because this means cheese-bothering, Chipping Norton wally Alex James is about to appear on your TV screens.
2135: Even RiRi didn't do a megamix this time round :( Nice of Corden to bookend it with a crap, misogynistic joke though.
2134: Rihanna's forgotten to put her trousers on - she's going to be SO embarrassed when she realises (yes, there's a strong chance I made that joke last year too)
2133: Rihanna performing. Paint being chucked inside huge telephone booths; her dancers looking like they're having more fun than anyone else at the event.
2132: Labrinth just mistakenly wandered into shot... probably the best thing that's happened so far. He just can't find his way round the O2 can he, poor chap?
2131: LDR seems like the first person to be genuinely pleased and emotional to win... laying it on a bit thick though...
2130: Best International Breakthrough goes to... Lana Del Rey! Hang on, isn't the Brits based on sales up to the end of last year? Which would mean LDR has won this award on the strength of Video Games alone.
2129: I thought we were going to get through a whole awards show with no Black Eyed Peas, then will.i.am turned up :(
2127: To get through the remainder of the show, I will be freebasing massive amounts of ILLEGAL DRUGS*! (*blackcurrant Lemsip - other cold and flu placebos are available).
2125: Half an hour to go and still totally incident-free *sigh*
2123: Corden interviewing One Direction. They've got that corporate, Syco answering style down to a tee. No trace of individuality or character at all - well done, lads.
2122: According to James Corden, "in October 2011, Florence Welch released a musical masterpiece". Why is she promoting Ceremonials instead then, eh? (insert "LOL" here)
2121: Bruno Mars tailored his performance perfectly for primetime British TV there. Really good stuff
2119: Newsflash: This Bruno Mars performance is really pretty good. Expect a 100% increase in album sales for him come Sunday.
2117: Bruno Mars doing a slightly jazzed-up version of Just The Way You Are. He'll be good value for a megamix, right? PLEASE?!
2115: Oh dear, Sheeran wins again, this time for British Breakthrough. Continuity announcer mentions his constant gigging to reach the top; it must be obligatory to point out how REAL HE IS. Sheeran thanks everyone sitting at home, which must include me. I don't want to really be part of this.
2114: Lest we forget, Nate Mendel of Foo Fighers is an AIDs-denying headcase.
2112: Best International Group goes to... Foo Fighers (or "Fiders", according to Queen's Roger Taylor). The Foos aren't there, so there's a video of Taylor Hawkins talking about the early days of the band, y'know, when he wasn't actually in the group and that.
2111: Brian May (presenting Best International Group) genuinely looks like he's wearing a judge's wig these days.
2110: Usain Bolt now on an advert. He was born on the EXACT SAME DAY as me. I'd like to think he looks at my life, looks at his, and then feels a little disheartened at his relative lack of achievement.
2109: *yawns* Are Blur on yet?
2107: If you'd like a reminder about the transient nature of fame, East 17 have launched their comeback (as a soft-rock, Kings of Leon-inspired band) today. Yikes.
Popjustice on Twitter: I should warn you all I'm going to be needing a medley pretty soon (<--- I second this)
2104: I'm pretty fed up of Rolling In The Deep now, so Lord knows what Adele thinks of it.
2103: I'm not a huge fan of Adele, but she makes singing look pretty effortless. Like last year, she's a class apart from everyone else.
2102: Adele performance time!
2101: Kylie Minogue's tip for great current British act is... Adele. Going a bit left-field there, Kylie.
2059: Best British Group goes to... Coldplay! Who are those guys with Chris Martin? Oh, that's the rest of Coldplay - who knew?
2056: An apparently drunk Plan B presents Best British Male to... Ed Sheeran (who's now wearing a suit). Sheeran appears to be as excited to win as if you'd told him a lightbulb needed replacing.
2053: Paying full tribute to Amy Winehouse there... with a handful of black and white photographs.
2050: Performances have been a little flat so far this year. Everyone just playing it straight and doing their most famous song of the year. Disappointing.
2048: So, four awards in and I've a 75% success rate. Expect to see me on the judging panel for the BBC Sound of 2013 in just ten short months...
2047: As my better half has pointed out, Noel seems to be closing his performance by segueing into KT Tunstall's "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" (it's not quite enough to get a megamix klaxon, though I remain hopeful for later).
2045: Everyone - band, audience, Noel Gallagher himself - seems entirely indifferent to this performance. Noel's oddly expressionless too... and has very high cheekbones these days.. you don't think...?
2042: They're now talking about the Ed Sheeran album, so I'm going to tell you about the pancakes I had. I ate a couple of pancakes with venison sausage and cheese, which were lovely. Then I had a pancake with berries and sugar, which was also nice, and - oh wait, it's ok, he's gone now. We're onto Oasi-I mean, Noel Gallagher's Angry Birds, or whatever they're called.
2039: Best International Female is... Rihanna! I'm on a roll here. Only one wrong so far.
2038: 1D all dressed up smart, which makes them look like the nephews asked to sort out the parking at a wedding.
2037: The winner is... One Direction! Unfortunately it's past their bedtime, so, no wait! They're here!
2036: Best British single is being announced by Tinie Tempah. I wonder if Labrinth's supposed to be with him and is stuck in the toilets like last year.
2033: Best musical moment so far as been Santigold's (née Santogold) "Say Aha" playing in the advert breaks.
Eamonn Forde on Twitter: Ed Sheeran = a Weetabix having a cry
2029: Sheeran's properly killed the buzz here with his acoustic performance. He can add that to the list of things he's ruined. Incidentally, I've found Ed Sheeran's list of things he's ruined - would you like to see it?
2027: Ed Sheeran performing now, with, y'know, a guitar because he's a PROPER musician who made it to the top completely BY HIMSELF (with major-label backing). As Popjustice.com once memorably said, he's like every friend-of-a-friend's band you've been dragged to watch in a pub.
2026: Nice of The Brits to recognise Emeli Sandé, an up and coming artist who's only had one #1 single and one #1 album.
Guardian Music on Twitter: Rizzle Kicks would totally be in Lisa Simpson's Non-Threatening Boys magazine
Tracey Thorn on Twitter: My two 14 yr old girls have left the room. This is sposed to be for them, isn't it? This pop music?
2024: Just how young are Rizzle Kicks, exactly? They look like they're on work experience (although I'm sure they're still getting Jobseekers' Allowance, eh David Cameron? *satire face*)
2023: Olly Murs' dancers all have skirts made from the final basket playing piece in Mouse Trap. Innovative.
2022: I think we just missed some sort of stage invasion there. Anyway, Olly Murs is on now, and is bravely attempting an avant-garde performance where he sings in a different key to the song.
2021: Bruno Mars looking an awful lot like Little Richard (one for the kids, there).
2020: Best International Male is... Bruno Mars. Oh well, my 100% record was nice while it lasted.
2018: Shot of Ed Sheeran in the crowd - he's wearing a GREEN T-SHIRT. Make an effort, you scruff. Oh wait, sorry, that's "authenticity".
2017: Best British Female is... Adele! Just like to point out now, I'm on a 100% record (after one award).
2015: KYLIE MINOGUE! Just 13 minutes too late (see below).
The Quietus on Twitter: Idiot #BRITS - You have to wait until the ad break to see the girl who should have been nominated, Katy B.
Caitlin Moran on Twitter: I like this new national game of "petticoat thrashing"
2010: Florence's performance coming from the set to shonky ITV gameshow, The Cube, there.
Christian Ward on Twitter: Oh come on, I want to watch this and you're making me sit through Abhorrence and the Machine *already*?
2008: One good thing about this Florence + The Machine performance. At least she can't suddenly show up halfway through to do a guest spot. Though, if anyone could do a guest spot on their own performance...
2007: Dear Florence, shouting in tune is not the same as singing. Just so you know.
2006: How do you follow the strong voice of Whitney? Ah, with human foghorn Florence Welch, of course. Corks in ears time...
2005: WHITNEY HOUSTON MENTION KLAXON!
Aidan Moffat on Twitter: Pop stars trying to sell credit cards to kids. Good start, Brits! Start as you mean to go on, eh?
2002: Ways to improve this Coldplay performance: 1) Megamix; 2) Kylie Minogue; 3) Put a donk on it.
2000: The show opens with Coldplay, who are generally "Coldplaying" around. Lights, lasers, and... well, a Coldplay song - what more is there to say?
1959: Here we go...!
1951: As is traditional (i.e. I did it last year), here are my predictions for the winners on the evening. Please note, this is who I think will win, rather than my preferences
NB: The Critics' Choice and British Producer acts have already been announced (Emeli Sandé and Ethan Johns respectively)
1947: Happy Saint Pancake's Day! I'm now completely full of sausage pancake (that's not a euphemism, by the way) and am ready for two hours of awards show fun! If you'd like to know how this sort of thing normally goes down, here's a link to last year's event. Your contributions make the evening what it is, so please get involved using either the Disqus form below, or tweet us.
21 February, 2012 - 19:44 — Joe Rivers