The Singles Bar - 14th November 2011
I'm just about getting used to my deputy role on The Singles Bar, once a month or so I have to spend a day getting bombarded with a vast amount of music, most of it horrible, then I get to have a few weeks off to recover. Although I don't know how Joe manages to do it every week. Maybe what gets you through such a commitment is the thought that you just might uncover something new and exciting and brilliant. So, on that note, I suppose, once more into the breach, dear friends...
Wu Lyf - We Bros
We Bros starts out as the sound of a man yelling into a bucket (which oddly has been emphasised even further in this re-recorded version for the single) but then the rhythm comes in with a lovely little skip in its step and a gleam in its eye, and as the title might suggest, a very Animal Collective influence. It's a shame that we all got so involved in debating how contrived their image (or lack of one) is, as it pretty much overshadowed the fact that they're capable of coming up with some very good stuff, and that their name just might be the most pleasant combination of sounds in the history of the English language (I often repeat the words "Woo liff” to myself, just for my own personal amusement). 7/10
Ed Sheeran - Lego House
I could spend ages constructing an argument about how Ed Sheeran has no credibility as an artist, throwing back aspects of this song as evidence against him: somehow Lego House manages to be simpering, but also like eavesdropping on the the thoughts of a deranged stalker – the lines “I'm gonna paint you by numbers and colour you in/If things go right we can frame it and put you on a wall” got me thinking about John Fowles' The Collector again; his dodgy vocal technique shows that he hasn't quite understood the notion that rapping and talking very quickly are not one and the same thing; and other than some quite nice sparse piano chords the backing track adds up to precisely nothing. I could do all that, or I could just save everyone's time and point out that my mum thinks he's great. 2/10
Rammstein - Mein Land
Everybody's favourite morally dubious German language shock-rockers return with a re-recording of an old track to mark a new best-of compilation. The techno opening, and the Beach Boys/60's surf party movie stylings of Jonas Åkerlund's video are a bit throwing, but actually fun, and fairly accurately capture Rammstein's camp appeal (even if it does mean that rather more moobs are on display than I feel comfortable with). I do question though the wisdom of them calling the song “My country” when they've landed themselves in more than a bit of a hot water in the past for flirting with dodgy nationalist imagery.
It probably deserves a 5/10, albeit with the caveat that my German is spectacularly rusty and I don't know what they're actually singing about; if I find a translation and realise that they're actually serious about this 'my country' stuff then expect that rating to go way down.
Nightwish - Storyteller
Nightwish just might be the most hilarious band operating today. Feeling a bit glum? Then just stick on the Storyteller video with its completely bananas Phantom of the Opera meets Minnie Mouse theatrics and their surprisingly light-footed Nordic metal (and, weirdly, an attempt to rip-off the Pirates of the Caribbean score in the middle). It's so chirpy and shrill that even though they aim to combine the worlds of heavy rock and classical, really there's more than a whiff of Scooter about this. In other words, not exactly great, but an endearingly silly combination all the same. 6/10
Gold Panda - An Iceberg Hurled Northwards Through Clouds
Things this minimal tend to make my head hurt and I'm not sure why. Perhaps there's something seriously wrong with me mentally and I need noise and distraction and colour to drown out the noise that's normally going on in my head? Anyway, I won't deny that Gold Panda's latest isn't pretty, with its Gamelan tinklings and slightly wonky beats, but I do suspect that you could have just as much fun from hanging out at your local new age shop and listening to the wind-chimes. 4/10
Snow Patrol - This Isn't Everything You Are
From the opening guitar chord just know what you're in for, there will be no surprises here (I'm well aware that's true for almost everything that Snow Patrol does). I was going to say that it's their attempt to do a Fix You, but then I don't think that this is the first time that they've tried to do that and there is a glaring different between this and Coldplay's original: this actually has no tune at all. The verse is a dirge, the chorus is another dirge entirely, just with a gospel choir in tow for extra oomph. Although, it's not a total write-off as the words “keel over” sound great in Lightbody's Northern Irish accent. 2/10
Iyaz ft Travie McCoy - Pretty Girls
On hearing the abrasive siren that starts Pretty Girls I groaned, and unfortunately it only got worse from thereon in. The pair really don't know how to make a lady feel special, not only coming up with some morally reprehensible criteria for a potential girlfriend (rule number one: she has to have a lot of cash) but also viewing the act of settling on one as being like something of a cattle market (I'm hoping that whichever girls they finally picked just laughed in their faces). Terrible autotune, awful lyrics, just unspeakably horrid in general. 0/10
Estelle - Back To Love
I'm not one to promote gender stereotypes, but I think that I might be genetically incapable of understanding this song. It seems fine and it doesn't make me want to punch Estelle and/or myself in the face like American Boy did; there is a lightness of touch here that was completely absent in that abomination. It is however, considerably less memorable though. I'm sure it'll suit the girls night out crowd perfectly, but, for me, the relentless cheerfulness got old very fast. 4/10
Westlife - Lighthouse
Where I suspect that I can't appreciate Estelle due to my having a penis, I know it to be true when it comes to Westlife and I do wonder how the lads themselves can actually stand their own music. Are they in fact missing something in the trouser department? Is castration still practiced in Ireland?
It's hard to think of any other bands that have had this level of success and yet had such little cultural impact, and Lighthouse – the band's last new material together before (finally) saying their goodbyes - isn't making any effort to change that. Not that it's offensively bad, it just really isn't anything at all. Probably the most noteworthy thing about it is the pleasant scenery that the boys chose as a place to look serious in for the video, and that they, for one last time, wheel out their patented pretending to be an aeroplane dramatic arm gesture. Definitely a case of going out with a whimper rather than a bang, quite literally so actually as it sounds like the tape just ran out at the end. 1/10
One Direction - Gotta Be You
Apparently November means two things musically: more metal (not that Rammstein or Nightwish are an accurate representation of metal), and more ballads. My theory for the latter is because the cold weather allows for more sensitive posing with scarves in videos, and there's some fantastic examples of that in Gotta Be You's. In fact One Direction also do a rather convincing job of pulling off the classic male modeling pose 'pointing at something in the distance', which leads me to question if the guys are auditioning to be the faces of of Top Shop. In other words I'm going on about scarves as I know that I'm already far too old to appreciate their music; much as there are sounds designed to be specifically unbearable for teenagers, harmonies this close can surely only be appreciated by the under-16s. 2/10
The Saturdays - My Heart Takes Over
If One Direction are Topman, then that would make The Saturdays H&M; like the brand they're functional, reliable, if occasionally prone to ridiculousness, and, it must be said, a little cheap. Not that there's anything wrong with that - H&M are my clothing brand of choice (if I type H&M enough times will they send me some free stuff?) and, other than Girls Aloud, The Saturdays are my girl group of choice.
However, the maudlin start to My Heart Takes Over is not a good sign, suggesting that the girls might be on track to spoil their fairly spotless record, but they manage to pull it back by the chorus and restore order. It's big and brassy and dramatic and wonderful. I would call it the future sound of slow-dances at school discos up and down the country, but then somebody might point out that the only way I'd know what the school-kids of today were into would be because I'd been shiftily hanging around local primary schools, so probably best we just say it's poptastic and move on. 8/10
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Monarchy Of Roses
Past experience has taught me to not expect much when it comes to Chili Peppers songs, but even that didn't quite prepare me for the horrible wanky drum solo that opens Monarchy Of Roses, or Antony Kiedis singing like he's underwater. On the other hand, I wasn't expecting the surprisingly good chorus in which the band attempt disco either, so it's not all bad. Shame though that they lose sight of themselves about halfway through and start to indulge in more wankery again. They might try and disguise it with some very lo-fi production (which they probably spent a fortune on emulating) but at heart it's nothing more than more dull as dishwater stadium rock. 3/10
Wild Beasts – Reach A Bit Further
As with Wu Lyf, until coming to review this single I'd actually forgotten that Wild Beasts had had an album out this year. Also like Wu Lyf, Reach A Bit Further is something of a 'banger'; ably combining the admirably off-kilter patter of co-vocalists Hayden Thorpe and Tom Fleming with a pleasant afro-beat-y rhythm. It would be tempting to just give this an enthusiastic review and say something along the lines of “they reach the places other bands can't reach”, but I'm not sure I can be quite so unqualifiedly enthused. I think they're great, but I'm still a bit concerned as to just how forgettable this will be in the long run. 7/10
Cave Birds - Some Lightning Thrill
Some Lightning Thrill is only the debut release from Leeds-based Cave Birds and already they could teach some more established acts a thing or two. In particular, the echoey guitar and the droning vocals that sound like they're about to nod off at the end of each line are what I hoped that the David Lynch album would have sounded like (shame that that wasn't the case). I'm less keen on the Kasabian-style brashness of the chorus, but overall this is still a very promising start. 7/10
Little Boots - Shake
It's a sad indictment of the pop industry that a couple of years of inactivity look like the end of a career. That being said, as Little Boots' debut didn't really capture the public's attention in quite the way that the industry predicted, or throw up any other songs that rivaled the amazingness of Remedy, it wouldn't have been a shock to hear that she'd been quietly dropped.
Happily though she wasn't, as comeback single Shake is an unexpected joy. It's big and perky yet exists in its own cold, slightly sad and withdrawn space, as if it was a rave held in a blizzard. Admittedly, I did find myself waiting for a moment where it went absolutely stratospheric which never came (so perhaps its desire to defy expectations isn't wholly welcome) and the alleged Edgar Allen Poe influence that she's mentioned for the new album isn't really discernible, but that doesn't stop it being fun and interesting, or this week's SINGLE OF THE WEEK 8/10
Factory Floor – Two Different Ways
Factory Floor are fantastic, in fact they're so fantastic that they've even got Labour MPs singing their virtues. They do however have an unfortunate occasional habit of stretching things out longer than they need to be, and Two Different Ways is no exception; there's a fair amount of their typical brilliance contained within, but there's quite a long wait to actually get to it. 6/10
The Collective - Teardrop
I know that the rule is that we're not allowed to be sniffy about this sort of thing as it's for 'charidee', but sod that, having to deal with two lots of Ed fucking Sheeran in one week has really got my back up. Of course its no different to the usual thing for a charity single in that its just some big names getting together for an hour to toss-off some half-arsed cover, but really it doesn't have to be that way; as if to show us that things don't have to be quite so grim Portishead are giving their Amnesty International single from last year a vinyl re-release today (it is, of course, an essential purchase, but you've probably all bought it anyway).
Anyway, on with 'The Collective', a supergroup formed of many of the UK's biggest urban acts (Dizzee Rascal and Tinie Tempah are the only major ones conspicuous by their absence, possibly because they have higher standards than this) rather oddly spearheaded by Gary Barlow, who appears in the video but doesn't actually do anything other than frown a bit. To give them some credit, it's not a completely lazy attempt (well, Labrinth's contribution is – he's just laid some slightly sped-up beats over the top of Massive Attack's original), as they've gone to the trouble of writing their own verses. Quite whether they should have done is a different question entirely though; when Ms Dynamite started going on about punctuation I LOLed, and I expect that the 'yoof' that this is aimed at will probably have the same response. To be even more charitable to them, some of the worst lyrics are lifted straight from the original, the problem is is that there they were sung by the magical and ethereal Liz Fraser, here they're mumbled by Tulisa from N-Dubz.
Basically the whole project was off to a loser from the get-go. Probably best to just give your 79p to the charity directly and not encourage Barlow and co to try this again. 2/10 (for good intentions only, and for still not sucking as hard as the Newton Faulkner version)
The History Of Apple Pie - Mallory
You don't actually need to listen to Mallory to get what it's about. It sees The History Of Apple Pie aiming squarely for cute, which you've probably already gathered from their name, and wishing that it could be 1994 again (when they probably would have been mere infants), which you can tell just from the video, with its gang of mates hanging out and having an impromptu food fight (as you do) while wearing ridiculously baggy jumpers vibe. But then, if watched on mute, you'd miss out on the band's 30% Lush and 70% Sonic Youth circa-Bull In The Heather sound, which would be a bit of a shame really. No doubt it'll wind some people up: if you're not keen on (the similarly appallingly named) Yuck probably best to give this one a miss, but personally I think it's adorable. 8/10
So, that's your lot for another week, and it's not been a bad week at all. No, there wasn't anything mind-blowingly amazing, but there's still plenty of stuff to choose from all the same.
14 November, 2011 - 22:52 — Mark Davison