The UK Top 40 Singles from 28.02.1981 (Part Two)

This article originally appeared on D.C. Harrison's excellent blog, The Tedious World, last August. We have republished it as the concluding part of our twelve birthday celebrations. Enjoy!

Click here to read part one of this feature

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20. Adam and the Ants: Antmusic

Yes, them again. But this is the Ants Mk. II, taking on pure pop direction after poor old Stu had been shafted by Malcolm McClaren. Its two-drummer approach works well on the big hits, such as this. The lyrics are all absolute nonsense, of course, but the man himself had decided at this point that artistic creditability didn't pay the bills and instead got working on being the biggest pop star in the country, which he was for a year or so.

19. Status Quo: Something ‘Bout You Baby I Like

It was almost inevitable that the Quo, like Cliff, would be gracing this chart at some point. And of course, it sounds pretty much like every other one of the six billion hits. It's easy to hate the Quo, but I've always had a vague feeling of admiration for their sheer stubbornness in mining the same seam of music for the last 35 years or so. A story you might not know is that Rick Parfitt's dad drunk in the same pub as the very young Paul Weller's dad, and he once called round to give the brooding teenage mod a few words of encouragement. I've noticed that subsequently, Weller has had kind words for the Quo.

18. XTC: Sgt Rock (Is Going To Help Me)

It's said by some that Andy Partridge was a little jealous that it was Colin Moulding's songs that were proving to be the hits in the early days of XTC. And then he goes and finally gets his first decent sized success, with a song he wasn't really that keen on. It also, apparently, got him into some trouble for it's alleged misogynistic lyrics ("make the girl mine/keep her stood in line"), though the context of the song is of a wimp of a guy recruiting Sgt Rock - "the expert at kissing and stuff" - to help him be more popular with girls. It's not the best XTC song by a long distance, but it's a fun enough number from a belter of an album (Black Sea) and Partridge would get the big hit he deserved with Senses Working Overtime, before his stage fright ensured his amazing band never again got the mainstream acceptance they deserved.

17. Adam and the Ants: Kings of the Wild Frontier

I've run out of things to say about these lot now, on their fourth (and thankfully last) entry in this particular chart. Saying that, I just remembered an episode of The Equalizer in which Adam here played a rather nasty piece of work who kidnapped girls from the street to use as sex slaves. Our man Eddie Woodward soon puts a stop to that, though, and equalises in true fashion by shooting the villainous Ant with a dagger-gun-type-thing affair. As for this song, it's not as good as Antmusic, Dog Eat Dog or Stand and Deliver, although the twangy guitar is pretty enjoyable.

16. Visage: Fade to Grey

Apparently, three members of Magazine (Barry Adamson, Dave Formula and John McGeogh) were in Visage. None of them play on this, as far as I know, which is bad for the song (as it might have been better with them on it) but good for them (as it might have always been awful). Despite my opinions, it was a huge hit and is held up as some kind of synth classic by a lot of people. My own stance is that the weird synth song with detached vocals was done so much better by Japan on their own biggest hit, the superbly spooky Ghosts.

15. The Pretenders: Message of Love

The original Pretenders line-up was a very fine rock band indeed, as seen on this excellent tune. The appeal of the band was always Chrissie Hynde's voice, of course, which is one of the finest to be heard anywhere at anytime, but Hereford's finest do more than their fair share here. Tragedy was just around the corner for the band at this point, and they've never hit the heights they did with James Honeyman-Scott in the line-up. This is probably my favourite single of theirs, primarily because when Hynde sings "talk to me darling", it's one of the sexiest sounds imaginable.

14. Dire Straits: Romeo and Juliet

I really can't stand Dire Straits. Mark Knopfler's guitar style has always been far too "show off" for me and you get the impression he usually has a smug look of self-satisfaction on his face whenever he finishes a lyric, despite the fact they're rarely all that good and at times just offensive. This, I'm almost loath to say, is actually a really good song. The guitar theatrics are kept to a minimum and the narrative is pretty solid. Proof if ever needed that even a totally hateful band can change your stance for even a brief moment.

13. Slade: We'll Bring the House Down

Wolverhampton's finest emerge from their wilderness years to score their first big hit in half a decade. Like Status Quo, it's difficult for me to dislike Slade. A big part of this is down to the Reeves and Mortimer sketches from the 90s and the fact that Noddy Holder just seems so damn likeable. The song comes across as less cartoony than their big early 70s hit and it rocks well enough to make you see why it did pretty well: you can imagine young men unimpressed by New Pop and the grey overcoat bands relishing this as "proper music", but what strikes me most is that I can understand none of the lyrics except the title.

12. Phil Collins: In The Air Tonight

Like Dire Straits, part of the 80s establishment whose track record always leaves me somewhat cold. Cold might actually be putting it mildly - I can't stand anything about him and it was delicious seeing him make a complete bell-end of himself on Brass Eye, wearing a "Nonce Sense" cap. For some reason, songs like this appear to have given him some creditability back. You hear terms like "great production", "superb drumming" and all that. Well, fuck that shit - it's complete dogwank and I'd happily never hear another Phil Collins song for the rest of my life.

11. The Stray Cats: Rock This Town

Generally, the 50s music I love is the blues stuff. I've never been much into Elvis, Jerry Lee and all that scene, so the Stray Cats and other 50s revivalists have never really been my bag, Eddie Cochrane being the exception to the rule. For whatever reason in the early 80s, there was a burst of this kind of thing. The Stray Cats had a few big hits and Shakin' Stevens sold singles by the warehouse load throughout the decade. Rock This Town does indeed rock pretty well and I'd imagine it would be fun to swing your gal around to at the local Hop, or whatever. It sounds so much like what it's copying, though, that it's tough to remember anything original about it. Oh well.

10. Fred Wedlock: The Oldest Swinger In Town

Another song that gains a first ever listen to these ears and one listen was far too many. Comedy records, for the most part, are complete and utter shit. This doesn't buck the trend. The jist is some old codger going out to the clubs to pick up young lassies and getting up to all sorts of mischief. It's terrible beyond words and it smacks of the kind of novelty thrash that Simon Bates or Noel Edmonds probably played constantly in that stupid 'ironic' way they did to make it a baffling huge hit.

9. Freeez. Southern Freeez

Freeez would have a much bigger (and much better) hit a couple of years later with IOU, but this was their first shot at the top. Taking cues from the kind of commercial pop-jazz that George Benson had made big bucks from, it's easy to make the jump to assume this was the soundtrack to wanky cocktail parties in the London jet set. Vaguely funky bass and percussion fight it out with synths and smooth vocals singing meaningless lyrics. It's never made quite clear what "doing the Southern Freeez" is, exactly. Harmless enough, I suppose.

8. Coast to Coast: (Do The) Huckleback

As I'd never heard this before, I was chancing my arm it was some kind of floor-filler 80s funk number of the ilk of the Gap Band further down the charts. How wrong I was. Instead, it's a kind of insight into a nightmare world where Showaddywaddy were as influential as punk. Honking Bill Haley-style sax careers all over the place as we're urged to dance whatever style the band doubtless demonstrated if they got to perform this on Top of the Pops. I'd imagine this ties in with the Stray Cats in people getting retro, though this is a far more innocent offering - I doubt the Huckleback involves doing anything vaguely sexual and would be perfect to the kids to shuffle around to whilst on holiday at Butlins in Ayr or Pontins at Southport (shudders at childhood memories).

7. Madness: The Return of the Los Palmas Seven

First, I'll come right out and say that the only CD I had when I got my first stereo was Divine Madness, so therefore this band will always have a soft spot in my heart. And indeed, many of the songs still stand up very well today. This, however, isn't one of their classics. For one, it's missing the lyrical wit and observation that, say, House of Fun or Baggy Trousers has, or even the irresistible dance beat of their other big kind-of-instrumental hit, One Step Beyond. What can be said is that it's the sound of a band stretching their wings from their roots, and Madness were lucky that their audience followed while others haven't been so lucky in this regard. This was their seventh single, and it peaked at this very position. Funny, that.

6. Roxy Music: Jealous Guy

Labelled "A Tribute" on the single sleeve, this was on its way to being Roxy's sole chart topping single. Might have been nicer if had been Street Life or All I Want Is You, but those are the breaks. My main feeling of Roxy is that my mother was a huge fan, based on having a crush of Bryan Ferry as a young lady. This caused a bit of a row over dinner one Sunday when she insisted to my Elvis-loving dad and brother that she always preferred Washington's finest to the fat warbler. Naturally, I took her side. As "A Tribute" goes, it's harmless enough. Ferry's croon suits the self pity of the lyrics, and yet the main feeling is that Lennon's original, recorded about a decade beforehand, has aged far, far better.

5. Motörhead/Girlschool: St Valentine's Day Massacre

Around this time, Motörhead were at the top of their game, still riding high on the Ace of Spades single and album. Teaming up with all-girl heavy rock band Girlschool must have seemed a good idea, and so it proved with another big hit. The lead track is a cover of an old Johnny Kidd song, Please Don't Touch, and it's what you'd expect: 100mph thrash with Lemmy growling along with his female counterpart. It's not my cup of tea by a long way (perhaps due to a total lack of amphetamine in my system) but it's quite fun in its own way. Interesting to note that Motörhead's drummer at the time, "Philthy Animal" Taylor was on a rest at the time, due to a pub-related mishap involved lifting an Irishman as high as he could.

4. John Lennon: Woman

Exhibit (a) in the case that McCartney wasn't the soppy one in the Beatles is this piece of candy floss fluff inspired by John's other half. This was on its way down from being a chart topper, but you have to wonder how it would have done had Mark Chapman elected to use that gun just on himself. As slush goes, this is right at the top of the cup, as our man apologises again as he never "meant to cause you sorrow or pain". It's pretty much covering the same ground as Jealous Guy, but without a Phil Spector production around it. Not that the song is hateable, it's just a bit anonymous. I once heard it playing in a supermarket in Estonia, and that kind of seems its natural habitat.

3. Rainbow: I Surrender

Another ex-member of Deep Purple (see Gillian way back down the chart), only guitarist Richie Blackmore scores the huge hit, which I wouldn't be surprised if he reminded his singer about on those DP reunion tours. This is the kind of thing for which the term "AOR" was invented for. I'm convinced that whoever wrote it is still cashing in large royalty cheques from the amount of radio play this surely gets. It's all built around hooks, and the lyrics must have taken all of about five minutes to knock together. But yeah, pretty cack, really.

2. Ultravox: Vienna

I've never quite known what to make of this song, as I have the vague suspicion it's not actually about anything, despite the pretenses it carries with that grandiose arrangement. Ultravox were pioneers of the whole synth sound back in the late 70s, before Gary Numan stole all their thunder. This may well have been a last desperate throw of the dice at the time, helped by dashes of yer actual piano, showing that they could actually play, to refute those rumours about the new wave of synth-poppers being all style and no substance (which this song may well be). It sounds pretty, but it's also overblown to fuck and part of me always want to laugh at the chorus line of "This means nothing to me, oh, Vienna!" just for its sheer pomp.

1. Joe Dolce Music Theatre: Shaddup Your Face

And after all that, we come to this. Is it a big a disappointment to you as it was to me? The day I was dragged out into this world, the most popular song around was by some wretched one-hit wonder putting on the dodgiest of dodgy Italian accents. I could write more about this... but it's just crap, pure and simple. The joke doesn't have a chance to wear thin, because it's not funny in the first place. What were people thinking? I demand answers for this travesty!

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Read our Happy Birthday playlist for more reflections on the hits that soundtracked our writers' birthdates.